Carpe Diem?

So I'm sitting here in front of the computer at 4:30 am on Thursday morning. We are driving to MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston as soon as Roger wakes up for his next MRI's, scans and labs and to see when he starts radiation. Yeah, I think it's crazy also. I should be sleeping. But a few weeks ago this started happening. I started waking up many times through the night. At first it was because of lower back pain. Then I started doing the prenatal yoga poses I have learned in my weekly practice at Yoga Yoga 360 that helped for a while and I could go back to sleep. But I kept waking up every morning anyway. It would start about 3:00-3:30 am. Most of the time I stay in bed, struggling to fall back asleep. A couple times it crossed my mind I should just get up and do something productive but I would fight it and try to fall asleep unsuccessfully for hours. I mean, I have been blessed with the ability to take naps most days but right now I just can't do naps unless it's necessary. I know, I know, I'll eventually want to take naps. And yes, I know, when the baby is here I'll wish I could take a nap and wished I would have taken a nap all these days leading up. I know. Just like I know, this waking up all during the night "is to prepare me for what's coming" and "just wait until the baby is born and you'll be waking up all night anyway" which is what everyone says to me when they ask ME how I'M doing. I know people. Then they go into a long rant about how awful their pregnancy was, how much they threw up, how bad their back pain was, how swollen their legs got, how they could never find a comfortable sleeping position, how much they couldn't sleep, blah, blah, blah. I mean, if you were just going to talk about yourself, why did you even ask how I was doing? I understand some people's pregnancies aren't great. And I have all sympathy and empathy for someone going through it at the moment. But the people who have already been through it and got this same treatment from everyone else should know they are repeating this vicious cycle (I know, that's a strong word but when you are hearing it over and over and over again it feels vicious.) and that's not what we want to hear right now! I was thinking I hope I don't do that to people after my child is born and I hope I remember what it felt like when I was asked how I was doing and I just needed someone to listen, sympathize and not change the subject to themselves and their horror stories. Then I read this blog post titled "Don't Carpe Diem" that was shared by friends on Facebook. It's pretty funny but very relatable and what we all do to other people. My favorite part is,

"But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here's what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:

"It's helluva hard, isn't it? You're a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She's my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime." And hopefully, every once in a while, I'll add -- "Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up -- I'll have them bring your groceries out."

Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn't work for me. I can't even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question."

I have been working for years to be a better listener. And I know I will be working the rest of my life on this, but if I try to just listen to what others are saying (and not think of what my response will be instead of listening) maybe I can help myself from reacting with my own experience and just let the person share how they are feeling and encourage them and support them. (Reminds me of a scripture verse: Matthew 7:12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.) Because believe me, I know all too well how amazing this miracle is growing inside me and I have my moments when I cherish it and am in awe of it. Especially at 4:30 in the morning. ;)

Merry Christmas!

We completely forgot to post our Christmas card picture on the blog this year!

Week Fourteen Check-up

We had our 14 week check-up yesterday afternoon. I asked all the questions I had written down and got all the answers I needed. The midwife measured my belly and it showed I was indeed 14 and a half weeks pregnant. Due date is still 6/21/2012. Then she brought out the doppler heart rate monitor to listen to the heart beat. I was so excited to hear the heart beat. Especially after our ER visit during week 8, it was great to hear there's still a little one growing in there. So Baby Mommaerts heart rate was 150 bpm and you can hear it above (The date is wrong on the video. It should be 12/28/11.). I thought I was going to cry but couldn't because we were laughing too much with the midwife about how all we could hear was my stomach digesting trying to find the heart rate with a home heart rate monitor we borrowed from Roger's sister. But I did get teary eyed when we were discussing it on the drive home. It was just so cool. And because of what I had been told earlier that day I decided to marvel in it.

I went straight to the appointment from a prenatal yoga class I go to every Wednesday. I really enjoy that class because of the physical benefits from lower back pain, etc and from the friendships I have made with the instructor and the other mommies there. We start the class sitting in a circle and share our names, gestation week and what we are currently experiencing good and bad. That class was the last day for one mommy who is having twin boys next Monday. She has been so nice and inspiring to me and I feel so blessed to have been able to practice with her. Since it was her last class, this mommy shared how she found something every day to marvel at during her pregnancy even when she was at her most uncomfortable. She told us to marvel at the miracle that was happening in our bodies, to get inspiration from other mommies particularly in this class and to revel in how special other people treat pregnant mommies. It was just so wonderful. She has been so extremely positive and I appreciate her so much.

Our next appointment is set for February 9th and it will be the anatomy scan where we can find out the baby's gender. We are going to find out the gender but we aren't. We have decided to not find out at the ultrasound but to find out with our family and a few close friends at a gender reveal party the Saturday following the ultrasound. Any reason to have a party right? ~ Holly

First Aid & CPR Training

We recently attended the second training in a series of trainings, events, tests, etc to become volunteers at our church's transitional home for girls who will age out of the foster care system. The training was for first aid and CPR. It was great. We learned so much and really enjoyed the class. It was a great refresher from what we learned in the Army many, many years ago. A lot has changed since then. And the best part for us, it included infant first aid and CPR. Which was great! We learned so much we did not know about infant care and it will come in very handy to know next year when Baby Mommaerts arrives. As you can see from the image of Roger to the left, we used life size infant dolls to practice infant CPR. They were very realistic in weight and size. We both feel more confident knowing infant CPR. We highly recommend all parents and parents-to-be attend first aid and/or CPR training and becoming certified. We were looking forward to the training going into it and were very, very excited when we completed the training.

Four Ultrasounds In One Week

Well, this has been one roller coaster of a week. We ended up having four ultrasounds this week. Two planned and two unplanned. Let's start with the planned ultrasounds. You should know by now we don't hold back with details so get ready.

Monday was our first visit with the OB/midwife practice we are going to until I can get the birthing center contracted with Tricare and transfer. As you can see from the ultrasound image on the left we are having a little alien. All kidding aside, it looks the way it's supposed to at this point. The size of the baby indicated 8 weeks and 3 days old so my due date is still June 21, 2012. We didn't get to hear the heart beat but we could see it and it was strong at 150-160 beats per minute. We were excited to see the baby and learn the heart beat was great and everything looked good. They were also able to see an extra large corpus luteum cyst. Why do I always have to be above average? They asked me if I knew I had a tilted uterus to which I told them I had been told that many times. They also said that was not a big deal and wouldn't affect labor. We really had a great time during the ultrasound. The tech was so nice and funny. We were laughing so much. We'll definitely try to go back on her days for our next ultrasound. I will admit there was a tiny part of me going into the appointment that thought they were going to tell me during the ultrasound they couldn't see anything. I need to pray daily during this pregnancy against these attacks of lies. The labs all came back great except my urine tested positive for Group B Strep. So I get to take some antibiotics for that now and get tested again between 35-37 weeks. My next appointment was set for six weeks away.

Our next ultrasound was on Wednesday at the fertility doctor's office. Even though God allowed us to conceive naturally in the end, he does blood work at the first positive home pregnancy test and an ultrasound before he releases you to your OB/midwife. And even though we told his office we had already called our OB and set up our first appointment with them, their policy is to do the ultrasound to make sure everything is okay with the pregnancy and say good bye. It was a great visit with Dr. Kavoussi as he and his sons are the nicest guys in the world and it was great to share the excitement of our pregnancy. We all marveled at how shocked we all were to have conceived naturally. He was so excited for us. It was really nice. And another awesome thing about the visit was we got to hear the heart beat! It was so cool. We totally didn't expect to get to hear it so we were kind of startled by it when it started. Roger was shocked silent. I got teary eyed. It was great. As you can see from the ultrasound image above it shows the heart beat and Dr. K said it was 160 so very strong. He was pleased with how everything looked and we were on our way.

Now for the unplanned ultrasounds. Warning: it's going to get gross people. Wednesday night we went to the NAMI Walk Austin awards ceremony at Zilker Park Clubhouse as our team captain invited Roger and I since he was the highest fundraiser on our team. It was a great evening with delicious food meeting nice people and an amazing view of downtown Austin at night. On our way home we were going to stop at Walgreens to pick up my Group B Strep antibiotics. As I was driving I felt wetness in my under pants and it got worse as we drove. I joked with Roger I hoped the not being able to hold your urine hadn't already started but I wanted him to come in with me to the bathroom anyway. When we pulled into the parking spot I opened my door to get out and there was blood running down my leg, a good pool of blood in my seat and all over the back of my dress. Fresh, bright red blood which is not good. So I wrapped my jacket around my waist, waddled into the Walgreens bathroom and sat down on the accessible stall toilet. As I pulled my panty hose down a large amount of blood came rushing out then a big flat blood clot fell out into the toilet. Sorry, I warned you it was going to get gross. I said loudly to Roger, "I hope that's not the baby" and told him to call 911. The ambulance came very fast. While Roger was outside of the bathroom directing the paramedics in I prayed for God to take care of me and the baby and to give us peace. When the paramedics came in they asked me all the questions, took my pulse and blood pressure. They were shocked my pulse and blood pressure were so good considering. They were very nice and calm and told me the truth of what it could be but for some reason I didn't react in anyway. After they got me on the gurney, the other paramedic looked in the toilet to calculate the amount of blood and check out the blood clot. They told me in the ambulance it looked like it was just blood clot and nothing else and it didn't look like it was a miscarriage but the ultrasound in the ER would confirm everything. The paramedics were mainly concerned that there was no more bleeding for my safety. Roger drove my car home to grab me some clean clothes. I arrived at the ER at 9:30pm and it was a long, long night of waiting and wondering. Although Roger kept saying he didn't think it was a miscarriage over and over again. He examined the blood clot very well I found out later so he was more than confident it was just blood. They did labs first and a couple hours later did an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech told me the heart beat of the baby was strong so that's how I found out it wasn't a miscarriage. So Roger was right. About 2:00 am the ER OB did a pelvic exam and he told me there was still some blood from the cervix but it was closed so he wasn't concerned about a miscarriage and told me the ultrasound tech had also seen a fibroid. I was shocked by that because I had two other ultrasounds this week and they didn't say anything about a fibroid. He told me he was going to go ahead and release me because the radiologist was not calling him back regarding the ultrasound results and he didn't want us to have to wait 2-3 hours longer. I was more than ready to leave at that time. I was starting to lose it truthfully. There were periods of 1-2 hours when no one checked on us. We asked for water at one point and never heard back from them. My IV was killing my arm and I was so uncomfortable I couldn't sleep. We even turned off the lights and tried to sleep for a while but it was hard. It was just a completely unpleasant experience all around. I told Roger when I was sitting in the pelvic exam room that when I realized it was after 2:00 am I started to get really mad and if they didn't come back in 15 minutes to do this exam I was going to walk back to my room and walk out. I came very close to pulling a Harvey Sr. My dad who notoriously hates hospitals, makes nurses and doctors scared to death and has actually walked out of the hospital before.

So I was put on bed rest Thursday and told to follow up with my OB. I had called my OB about 10:00 pm at the ER before they had done anything to let them know what was going on. I spoke with a midwife who was on call with a laboring mother. She told me what they would do at the ER and to call her back directly on her cell phone no matter what time it was to tell her the results. She was so nice and calming. So I called her back about midnight with the ultrasound results as I thought we would be leaving soon since the ER OB told me he probably wasn't going to need to do a pelvic exam. She told me to make a follow-up appointment the next day with one of the OB's in the office and to follow the ER's discharge orders for the rest of the day. When I woke up on Thursday I called to make the appointment and was scheduled to come in Friday at 11:30am. All day long on Thursday Roger kept saying, "IF you have a fibroid" as his response to all our discussions about the fibroid. He said he really didn't think I had a fibroid. I was like, "Whatever Dr. Mommaerts." So this morning I went in and during the ultrasound they could not find anything other than a baby with a healthy heartbeat and that same extra large corpus luteum. They couldn't see a fibroid or any other indicator of why there was so much blood and the blood clot. They could see large blood vessels in the uterus which they said was normal during pregnancy. They thought maybe one of those or a cervical blood vessel could have ruptured but since there was no more bleeding they wouldn't be able to tell for sure. They said my cervix looked good but was very long. Again, always the over achiever. They did see my uterus was more than tilted and almost horizontal. But other than those things there was no indication that anything had even happened and there definitely was not a fibroid. Again, Roger was right. They also let me know they never received the radiologist's report from the hospital. I was not surprised. I won't be going back to that hospital again unless I am unconscious and right next to it.

Our community group from church which are very close friends of ours and our neighborhood group of friends all started praying for us and rallying around us Wednesday night while we were in the hospital. It was so nice to only have to contact a few of them and they got the word out and got everyone praying for us. We definitely felt covered in prayer, had a lot of peace and knew God was going to take care of everything. Obviously Roger knew God was protecting me and the baby very well. And I will start praying the rest of this pregnancy is boring and uneventful! ~ Holly

Is this for real?

So it's been a couple weeks since we found out we are pregnant and I have felt great. So great I didn't even feel pregnant. I even wondered if it would take hearing the heart beat at my first doctor's appointment on November 14th before I believed I was really pregnant. Then Sunday I stayed too long at the church garage sale and was so exhausted Sunday night I had to take a nap and still felt exhausted when I woke up. Tuesday I was driving home and felt like I could fall asleep as I was driving. And Wednesday I had what I thought was my first bit of nausea. For so long I didn't think getting pregnant would ever happen. And tonight as I was thinking about how hungry I was, again, I was like, "Wow, this is for real. I have a baby growing inside me. omg." :)

~Holly

Positive

As you can tell by the Pregnancy Ticker to the right of the blog, we're pregnant! We got the call late Tuesday afternoon. Actually Roger got the call as I just got out of the shower and was brushing my teeth. So he took the call. I could tell by his smile that it was positive. I almost spit out my toothpaste smiling so much. It was a very exciting moment which included hugs, kisses and tears. Roger had a shocking moment when he realized he was going to be a dad. He even asked if he had to start being serious! If you know Roger, you know his humor.

They told Roger to tell me to go in again on Wednesday for another blood draw. And our fertility doctor's office called me back this afternoon to tell me the results. In Monday's draw the hCG was 97. Wednesday's draw was 236. Generally the hCG levels will double every 72 hours. They also told me they would like to do an ultrasound in four weeks then they will release me to my OB/midwife. So I set an appointment with them for November 15th. I had already called the midwife practice we are using to let them know and they set an appointment for me on November 14th for my first appointment which will include hearing the heart beat. So Roger will be attending that appointment. We will also tour the "birthing center" at The Women's Center where the midwife practice assists with births. I use the term birthing center here lightly because I won't believe it until I see it. We will also tour another birthing center really close to our home. Our insurance does not cover home birth or birthing centers so The Women's Center is covered because it's inside a hospital but I need to tour it first to see if I will be comfortable birthing there. So more on that after we take those tours.

Thanks again so much for all the prayers. It was kind of funny at first. We couldn't believe we were pregnant even though this is what we have been hoping for and working towards. I also think it was cool how God allowed us to conceive naturally after all. I had my moments when I didn't think it was ever going to happen. I really love how God "surprised" us. It was pretty cool. When I think about that it makes me feel so loved by Him that He would give me that excitement back. It was hard at times to keep hope, but His word and all our and your prayers helped us. So thank you so much from the bottom of our hearts. We love you.

Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. Hebrews 10:23 NLT

Waiting.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14

So I have a confession to make. I hadn't called our fertility doctor back since the last IUI in July. As you read before, I was just not feeling it. But I finally decided a couple weeks ago I would try again and call him on Day One. Well, we were in Galveston this weekend after two days in Houston at MD Anderson getting Roger's latest MRI and labs. By the way, we got good news. Roger's scans showed no new tumor growth and his neuro-oncologist decided Roger should wait another three months to do radiation. We were about to embark on the Colonel Paddlewheel cruise at Moody Gardens when a trip to the bathroom revealed I had started. So I told Roger I would call Dr. K on Monday morning to let him know Saturday was my Day One. I also told Roger that Dr. K always asks me to take a home pregnancy test to make sure I am not pregnant before I start any fertility drugs so I would take one first thing when I woke up so I could tell him on the phone I already took one and it was negative and we would not have to wait to start the process. Just a side note, after that initial revelation I had started, there was nothing else the rest of the weekend. Since my cycles are so light I didn't think much of it.

I put the home pregnancy test out on the counter in our bathroom so I would remember in the morning when I woke up. I forget lots of stuff overnight during my sleep and I knew I would need some kind of reminder. I took the test first thing and watched as the lines started appearing. I was completely expecting it to be negative like all the other tests I have taken before but there is always that little hope in the back of my mind that by chance it might actually be positive. Of course I always play it off like I know it's going to be negative and when it is I respond like, "Yep, negative. Just like I thought it would be." I watched the lines and when it seemed like a faint plus was appearing I actually thought to myself, "Okay Holly, are you seeing things that aren't really there. Don't let your mind think you see something that isn't real." I placed it on the counter to wait for the rest of the two minutes you are supposed to wait. And I still thought I could see a plus forming. Roger got out of bed and walked into the bathroom. I turned to look at him and pointed at the test sitting on the counter and said to him, "Do you see what I think I'm seeing?" To which he responded in the affirmative.

I have never seen any thing other than very clear negative results on home pregnancy tests so I had no idea what a positive test result would actually look like. I still wasn't sure if this was positive. Every time I walked into the bathroom I looked at the test on the counter and doubted what I was seeing. I just had no idea if what I was seeing was good enough. And every time I looked at it, the lines seemed to get fainter and fainter. I even did a Google image search for home pregnancy test results to see if anyone out there in the world wide web had posted pictures of their positive test results so I could compare. I found one image of the same type of home test I took and their results looked similar to mine. This gave me some more reassurance it could be real.

Roger and I talked about what to do next. I knew I had to call my doctor regardless but decided to consult with a dear friend first. I took a picture with my phone and texted it to her. Not even 30 seconds later my phone rang. She said even with her crappy little phone it looked positive to her and I needed to call my doctor. Dr. K told me in the past that when I do get a positive test whether it's from natural conception or IUI he would order blood work every other day for about a week to make sure all the numbers were replicating correctly to make sure it was not a tubal pregnancy or anything else before he released me back to my OB/midwife. So I called Dr. K's office and they ordered a blood test and told me to go in to the lab next door any time during the day and I would have results by the end of the day.

So I made it to the lab about 11:30am Monday morning and STAT was written all over the lab order. I left and ran all my other errands plus went to my physical therapy evaluation for my knee issue. By the time I made it home from the grocery store, it was getting closer to 5:00 pm. And I had still not heard from the doctor's office. I called them right after 5:00 pm and no one answered. My bad for waiting so long but I didn't want to be one of those women that calls every hour to ask if the results are in. So I called this morning after that dear friend called me also annoyed I hadn't gotten a call from them yet. The nurse told me the lab sent the results in so late yesterday that Dr. K was already gone and he would be in this afternoon to review the numbers then they would call me. So we get to wait a little longer before we find out. It is still exciting none the less. Will update as soon as we get a call from the doctor.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13