Jan 19, 2012

Carpe Diem?

So I'm sitting here in front of the computer at 4:30 am on Thursday morning. We are driving to MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston as soon as Roger wakes up for his next MRI's, scans and labs and to see when he starts radiation. Yeah, I think it's crazy also. I should be sleeping. But a few weeks ago this started happening. I started waking up many times through the night. At first it was because of lower back pain. Then I started doing the prenatal yoga poses I have learned in my weekly practice at Yoga Yoga 360 that helped for a while and I could go back to sleep. But I kept waking up every morning anyway. It would start about 3:00-3:30 am. Most of the time I stay in bed, struggling to fall back asleep. A couple times it crossed my mind I should just get up and do something productive but I would fight it and try to fall asleep unsuccessfully for hours. I mean, I have been blessed with the ability to take naps most days but right now I just can't do naps unless it's necessary. I know, I know, I'll eventually want to take naps. And yes, I know, when the baby is here I'll wish I could take a nap and wished I would have taken a nap all these days leading up. I know. Just like I know, this waking up all during the night "is to prepare me for what's coming" and "just wait until the baby is born and you'll be waking up all night anyway" which is what everyone says to me when they ask ME how I'M doing. I know people. Then they go into a long rant about how awful their pregnancy was, how much they threw up, how bad their back pain was, how swollen their legs got, how they could never find a comfortable sleeping position, how much they couldn't sleep, blah, blah, blah. I mean, if you were just going to talk about yourself, why did you even ask how I was doing? I understand some people's pregnancies aren't great. And I have all sympathy and empathy for someone going through it at the moment. But the people who have already been through it and got this same treatment from everyone else should know they are repeating this vicious cycle (I know, that's a strong word but when you are hearing it over and over and over again it feels vicious.) and that's not what we want to hear right now! I was thinking I hope I don't do that to people after my child is born and I hope I remember what it felt like when I was asked how I was doing and I just needed someone to listen, sympathize and not change the subject to themselves and their horror stories. Then I read this blog post titled "Don't Carpe Diem" that was shared by friends on Facebook. It's pretty funny but very relatable and what we all do to other people. My favorite part is,

"But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here's what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:

"It's helluva hard, isn't it? You're a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She's my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime." And hopefully, every once in a while, I'll add -- "Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up -- I'll have them bring your groceries out."

Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diem doesn't work for me. I can't even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question."

I have been working for years to be a better listener. And I know I will be working the rest of my life on this, but if I try to just listen to what others are saying (and not think of what my response will be instead of listening) maybe I can help myself from reacting with my own experience and just let the person share how they are feeling and encourage them and support them. (Reminds me of a scripture verse: Matthew 7:12 So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.) Because believe me, I know all too well how amazing this miracle is growing inside me and I have my moments when I cherish it and am in awe of it. Especially at 4:30 in the morning. ;)