Jan 19, 2011

Trust

Wow, I can't believe I let this go this long without updating. Sorry! I needed some days to process what happened Wednesday but this is ridiculous. Again, Sorry.

So I went to Dr. K's office Wednesday fully expecting the ultrasound to show more eggs than last time since he increased the Femara, his assistant to give me the Ovidrel shot, schedule the IUI for the next day around 3:00 pm and when I left there call the cryobank to order a pick up for the next day. Well...

That did not happen. It took Dr. K a long time to find an egg. And that's all he found, one egg. He also said my uterine lining was not thick enough. He told me he did not want to waste a vial of frozen sperm on one egg and a thin uterine lining since we only have eight vials left. I understood and was fine with that. He's the expert and knows how to make babies happen so I was shocked but cool with not doing an IUI this cycle. Then he said he felt we should try shots next time of some drug I can not remember nor pronounce. That's when I got blindsided. To me, that was my worst fear: fertility drugs. I was already tiptoeing the line of fertility drugs with Femara, but shots? That I would have to administer myself?!

Then I started questioning everything and doubting and worrying and everything else you can imagine. Yes, I was disappointed we couldn't do the IUI, but the fear and worry I experienced was none like I had ever experienced before. I prayed for peace with the decision but I was too raw still and not in my right mind to accept peace. I had some good cries when I got home and talked to Roger. We decided we would never do anything again without the other present. I know I would have more peace if we came to a decision together. Alone I felt like I was playing God and that as you all know from my previous posts is the area I have trouble with. Worrying I will mess up God's plan or will, even though I know I can't.

I had some great conversations over the next couple of days plus lots of praying and reading scripture. Then on Sunday after our weekly neighborhood Bible study, I rode with two girlfriends on an errand and one of them asked me what happened on Wednesday. As I relayed the events from the day and how I had been feeling about it, they both gave me very wise counsel. And something they both said really hit it home for me. One said two things she keeps hearing me say is "fear and worry" and that I know fear and worry does not come from the Lord. The fear and worry I was experiencing was not how God would close the door. And my other friend said, "When God closes a door, he will give you peace beyond understanding." Just because one IUI didn't work and I couldn't do a second IUI doesn't mean God is closing the door. Sometimes we have to struggle. We were not promised an easy life.

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

But I know God is going through this with me and he will get me through this.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

I am feeling better now because of these conversations. But I feel a lot better knowing my issue may have been worrying about playing God, but the real issue is trusting him. I need to let go and let God. (I can't believe I just typed that?! Cheesy.) And hey, what do you know? I have fertility issues.

“This is what the LORD says to you: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s.” 2 Chronicles 20:15b

How many times have I used this exact scripture for the trial I was going through?

"Do not be anxious about anything but in everything,by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

One thing that overcomes all of this for me when I really think about it is,

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18

I am thankful to God for revealing what my true issue is so I can began to work on it with prayer and petition and studying his word. I am also thankful to God for putting some amazing people in my life. Thanks Julie and Brea.

"Give thanks to the LORD, for his love endures forever." 2 Chronicles 20:21
"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Although the online pharmacy started calling as soon as I left the doctor’s office on Wednesday, I didn’t call them back until Monday. I felt a lot better about going through with the shots and going forward with fertility treatments until God closes that door and gives me peace about it. They set everything up in their system and told me they would call me back shortly with more information. I had to call them back the next day since no one called me back on Monday. They told me they were waiting for pre-authorization from my insurance before they could send the prescription. She said it would take 3-5 business days or I could pay for it now if I didn’t want to wait and get reimbursed by my insurance. I asked her how much the prescription would be without insurance. She stated, “Seven hundred and” and I did even listen to the rest of the number after I heard seven hundred dollars. I was like, “No, I can wait for pre-authorization” and I laughed. She laughed with me too. Supposedly Tricare covers infertility therapies and treatments except IVF, so we should be good. Of course, my first thought after I got off the phone was, "I wonder if this is another way God may be telling us to move on." I'm a work in progress people. But Roger and I decided if they don’t cover the shots, we’ll discuss trying Femara again with Dr. K and see what he thinks.

Sorry this was so long. That’s what happens when you take too long to update your blog. But I would not have the knowledge I have now if I had not waited a few days to process. And now you know how to pray for me. Trust! Thanks everyone for all your prayers, well wishes and concerns. They mean a lot to us.

~Holly

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