Feb 24, 2006

My Turn

Okay, this is my first time to ever post to a blog. Forgive me Lord, for I know not what I do. And this may be long. (surprise, surprise)

First, I want to say thank you to everyone who has called us, emailed us, prayed for us. We feel so loved. You have no idea how your words make us feel. I can't go very long without tearing up during the day. But it's good. I need to cry. I'm trying too hard to be tough. I also want to thank everyone for the offers of help and for all that many are doing to support and encourage us during this time.

Second, which actually should have been first, I have to thank my Savior Jesus Christ and my father God:

-for revealing this tumor to us now and not letting it grow any larger.
-for the friends and family that He has given us to help us through this tough time.
-that He opened our eyes and we are aware of Him in our life and for His promises.
-for His love, hope, peace and strength.
-for blessing us with a wonderful church, understanding employers, generous and loving friends. -for making our circumstances better and better.
-for putting in our life a wise and caring surgeon and neurologist.
-for the love letter He sent us to encourage us and strengthen us.

Please praise the Lord with us.

Tuesday evening: Well, with the news we received, I know in my heart of hearts, that God is going to get us through this. It's only a little speedbump in our path. He only gives us what He knows we can handle, so He must know we can handle this. And it will be for good in the end because we love Him. The tumor has to come out and the worst case scenario of outcomes we can handle. It's no big deal, we'll get through this and in the future we'll say, "Oh yeah, you had a brain tumor, remember."

Wednesday morning: Wow! That's the only word I could think of. It seemed so surreal. I know it wasn't a dream, but it still didn't seem real. All the information we received on Tuesday was mind blowing. I think my brain blew a pressure gauge. I thought I'd be fine at work, get my mind off things. I didn't even make it to the building. As I sat on the Metro and walked to my building, I could feel something, I don't know what to call it, building up inside me. It almost felt like my body was filling up from my feet. When it got to my stomach, I didn't think I could make it. I had 40 million thoughts going and it was all over the place. And as it got closer to my head, I started to feel like I was going to fall out, not pass out, just fall down and like I was grasping for air a little bit. I was trying so hard to not look people in the eye. I thought they could see how I was feeling. I didn't want them to see that I was emotional. That's my normal reaction, be tough and not let anyone know how hard of a time I am having. I know, I can't do that. I learned that the first year of Roger's deployment, but I've done it for so long that I can't help but have relapses to my old self. I decided that there was no way I was going to make it without passing out. I hadn't eaten since the night before and it was already noon. We were up so late the night before that we slept in. Although I felt like I had to get to work since I had already missed half of the day, I knew I had to eat or I'd pass out. So I stopped and ate lunch. As I was sitting there, my mind started again and my eyes started to fill up with tears. I ate as much as I could, soaked up the tears and blew my nose and went to work. I made it through the rest of the day since I could focus on my work and not this.

Now, on to today: I had a rough start to my morning. I went to sleep with feelings of fear. And woke with the same feelings. Prayer in the shower helped me get past that. It sucks being at work, but I can't do anything to help at home. I might as well be productive here and save my vacation and sick leave time for the surgery. We're struggling yesterday and this morning with the possibility that the neurosurgeon we've been assigned to doesn't do craniotomies as often as we'd like. We'd prefer to have someone who does it regularly. We don't want inexperience to be a factor at all in this surgery. We don't have to have the surgery there or with him. Although I think he's a great man and is probably a good neurosurgeon. He helped us a lot on Tuesday. So Roger is going to spend the day trying to find out from Tricare (military medical insurance) what our options are. And I'm sure you know how fun that is going to be. Maybe it's good that I'm not at home. I'd just get frustrated and make matters worse. We really need guidance from God to make the right decisions and for favor to get a good neurosurgeon. Isn't life crazy?

I'm doing okay other than that. When I'm not thinking about or reading something specific, my mind is full of this. It's all over the place. Sometimes I start to get overwhelmed. Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes I can control my emotions. And sometimes I can't. I'm not angry or mad.

I need to spend more time in His word and really meditate on it. Specifically the following:

Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Psalm 34: 1-6 I will extol the Lord at all times;his praise will always be on my lips.My soul will boast in the Lord;let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the Lord with me;Let us exalt his name together.I sought the Lord, and he answered me;He delivered me from all my fears.Those who look to him are radiant;Their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;He saved him out of all his troubles.

We have been given some great scriptures, such as Romans 8:18-39. I know it will get better. His word says it will and God keeps taking care of everything. We have an awesome God. If you don't know that yet, I pray that He reveals himself to you and you are blessed with the knowledge and experience that God is great! Here's a plug for one of my favorite verses, Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Lastly I just want to say that I love my husband with all my heart. More than I have ever loved anything. Thank you God for loving me so much that you gave Roger to me so that I can know true love like you and Jesus love us.
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